One of those I've loved along the way...

This past week has been a tough week for me.  I got a call last Monday (Valentine's Day) from my dad telling me that my grandmother had passed away.  She had been sick for over a year with COPD, and I know she was in pain.  We tried to prepare for when she would leave us, but it's impossible to really be ready for that.  We went to Ohio to be with family and for the funeral.  Even with all the pain, the visit was a good one.  I love my family, so it was great to see them all.  We were able to create happy memories even out of the pain.  My grandma was the most amazing woman (and I know everyone says that, but she really was).  She was incredibly giving and compassionate, and she wanted the best for everyone she loved and for strangers.  I hope that one day I can be half the woman that she was.  I am so glad to have known her and to have her influence in my life.  Her death is a great loss, but I know she's happy to be reunited with her son, and they are both watching over us all.


I have also had a hard week of rejections from schools.  It's getting easier with each one.  I have 1 interview on Friday for a PsyD program at Indiana State, but I have been rejected from 8 schools now, I believe.  One of those being UMSL (my only option of staying in St. Louis AND go to grad school).  So now, I am naturally re-evaluating whether I want to go to grad school.  It used to make perfect sense to leave STL to go wherever I get in, and it's probably all the rejections that I've gotten, but suddenly I am questioning whether I want to leave, even if I get into school.  I like STL.  I like being close to my family.  I enjoy being here with Dan, and I want to move into his new house with him.  I thought I wanted to get my degree right away, but now I am enjoying not being in school.


It will be a tough choice, but maybe I won't have to make the choice.  It's possible (very possible) that I will not get into any graduate schools, so then the decision will be made.  If I do have to decide, I have no idea what I'll do.  Guess I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

I feel like giving up...

so the count is now 4 rejections, still just the 1 interview, and waiting to hear from 10 schools.

I need to stop asking people about their interviews, etc because it's making me feel like absolute crap.

I just don't have any confidence right now in my ability to get into grad school.  I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life.  Not knowing really sucks.

I haven't left my apartment in 3 days.  Winter is not my most favorite time of the year.  The weather people were telling us we were going to get an inch of ice and 10-20 in of snow.  Turns out we only got .5in of ice and maybe 4 in of snow.  I'm really glad I'm not at home right now - pictures inform me that the blizzard wasn't nice enough to skip them over, too.  Still, the ice and snow here is enough to make me not want to go anywhere.  Not that I have anywhere to go...

The VA told me not to come in yesterday to volunteer because my supervisors were staying home.  Also, I was supposed to start volunteering at the Juvenile Detention Center last night, but they canceled that, as well.  I'm excited to start there next week.  Every Tuesday I will be playing games, etc with the boys at St. Louis City JDC.  I'm sure it will be a new challenge, but since that's the population I want to work with for the rest of my life, it's good to get the experience now to be sure that it is what I want to do.

But other than those two things, nothing else is finalized in my life.  I got a background check so that I could go back to work at the PSC 2 weeks ago.  It was supposed to take a week, yet I have still heard nothing.  It's starting to get frustrating that I have to go through all of these hoops for a job that was already mine while losing a lot of money in the process.  Money I need.

I also sent my application that Chestnut needed back to them a week ago.  He needed a new application (because HR misplaced mine) before he could officially offer me a job.  I feel like it should definitely be there by now.  I know I'm not being very patient, but I am so broke and so excited to start there.  I hope I hear something soon.

Grad school update - I have officially gotten 2 rejection emails (yep, emails...).  I did, however, get a call last Friday inviting me to come to Indiana State to interview, so that's some good news that I am trying to hold onto.  I hope I hear more good news soon!