last minute decision

I made the decision (at the last minute) to apply to SIUe's Clinical Psych program.  It's a MA degree with an emphasis in school psychology.  Right now, I am mostly concerned about all of my paperwork making to the right place by Feb 1 (the due date), but I am keeping my fingers crossed.


I really need a change, and I have wanted to go to graduate school, so this seems like an amazing opportunity.  Unfortunately, I would have to stop being full-time at Chestnut, but if that's what's necessary, that's what I have to do.  I am super hopeful.  If this doesn't work out, there is still the option to go to UMSL or Lindenwood for a Counseling program, but I do feel as though a clinical program will give me a better education, so as I said...fingers crossed!

what AM I doing?!

I started part-time at Chestnut in February.  For me, it was a job that would hold me over until grad school because I knew I would get valuable experience that a classroom just will not provide.  Well, when the grad school thing didn't plan out, I was blessed enough to get offered a full-time position.  It's so lucky that I have a job that relates to my degree seeing as a bachelor's in psychology doesn't always get you very far.  I received an e-mail from HR that I had reached my full-time 6 month anniversary mark.  Truthfully, I am happy I have gotten that far, and I feel like I am pretty good at my job.  BUT.  Lately I have really been wondering if this is what I want to do.  I spend entirely too much of my day babysitting children.  They have to ask permission for EVERYTHING, so it's constantly "yes, you can come get a glass of water" or "yes, you can sharpen your pencil."  It just gets frustrating because this isn't necessarily what I had envisioned.  Not to mention, just about 0% of the boys there actually want our help or to learn anything from us.  Any research you read will tell you that for therapy to be beneficial, the ct has to put in work, and for the ct to put in work, they have to want to do it.  It just makes the day difficult because they don't care what we're discussing in group, and they don't really care what we say to them in primary sessions.


Speaking of primary sessions...let me discuss the insanity that has been my caseload.  My first ct was discharged after 60 days because there was no way he was going to finish the program in 90 days.  He had huge anger blow ups every other day where he would punch walls or kick things, so he spent most of his time in the hole.  I called detention to come pick him up and watched him get handcuffed.  Second ct was actually the only ct I have had to successfully complete.  (Though he has already relapsed -- hence what we're doing isn't working!)  3rd ct was there while #2 was there.  He also had anger problems and got mad so he ran from the facility roughly 4 times in two days and then had a huge outburst and went crazy, so they called his case worker to get him immediately.  I heard a few days later that the kid had run away from home and was missing.  lovely.  My 4th ct also had some anger problems, to put it mildly.  On two separate occasions, he threatened other cts and staff.  He tried to get anyone to fight him.  It really was ridiculous.  5th ct came and ran the day he got there...police never found him.  Got number 6 last Thursday.  Tonight he went to NA with another counselor and got into a fight in the van and outside...choking another kid.  Seriously?!  What am I supposed to be doing with these kids?!?!?!?!  It's getting super frustrating.   I can see why burnout happens so quickly in this field.


Moral of the story.  I need more education.  I am contemplating getting a MA in school counseling.  At least the hours will be better! 

reflecting on 2011

The end of the year always makes me reflect.  I guess it's good that we have the chance to do it each year...it's definitely necessary.  2011 was definitely not the worst year of my life, but it doesn't stand out as the best, either, which I guess is OK.


There were some pretty low points throughout the year -- My grandmother passed away.  I realized that my dream of becoming a Clinical Psychologist was not beginning this year.  I spent half of the year thousands of miles away from my little brother.  My Sammy kitty passed away. I found out that my grandfather has cancer again.


And though all of those things were challenging, I think I came out of the year stronger because of so many wonderful blessings.  My family is closer than ever before, and I have been reminded of how strong and great my brothers are.  I witnessed people I care about start their lives together.  I grew closer with friends I have had for a long time.  I started a job with the best co-workers a girl could ask for, and it allows me to gain an insane amount of experience working with an extremely challenging population.  Dan bought a house this year, and I have been lucky enough to help him decorate and make it a home.  Riley joined my life, and even though she is a dog, she has definitely reminded me how to love.  I know there have been more blessings, but of course trying to list them all becomes extremely difficult.


Lately, I have been most grateful for my family.  I was lucky enough to go with my parents to Florida to visit Josh for Thanksgiving.  It was by far one of the most random Thanksgivings that I have had; however, I was so happy to spend that weekend with Josh.  I am so proud of the man he has become.  For Christmas, Josh was able to come home for 10 days.  It was the first time in over 6 months my entire family was able to spend time together, and it was absolutely amazing.  I am so happy that we are all able to be in the same room together and laugh and love each other.


I am hopeful 2012 will be just as good to me as 2011.  I have plans to go back to school -- most likely to a counseling program.  It is lucky that I have a job, but I am not convinced it's the job that I want for the rest of my life, so I plan to do what I can to change my circumstances because doing the same thing will get me the same results. :)  For now, all I know is that I have an amazing family, a great boyfriend, wonderful friends, and awesome pets that remind me daily how lucky I am.

23?

This past Thursday, I turned 23.  22 was such a life-changing year, and I am grateful it is over.  There were some great things that happened -- I graduated college, Dan bought a house for us to live in, I got a pretty good starting job, and I got a puppy that I love.  Plus many other things, I am sure.  There were also the negative aspects.  Most importantly, not getting into graduate school.  I say this is negative because it went against my "plan," but what do I know?  Since I didn't start grad school, I was able to move into this house with Dan and get a job that I really do enjoy.  Maybe 22 just wasn't the year for me to go to grad school...


I am excited to see what 23 will bring.


This weekend I also had the privilege of seeing a great friend get married.  It was a beautiful ceremony, and the love was radiating off both the bride and groom.  I was so honored to be there.  It's hard to believe my group of friends is getting to the age where more and more people will start tying the knot, but I guess we really are growing up and beginning our lives as adults.  

grown up life = routine.

I haven't been updating this nearly as often as I thought I would.  I guess that's because life hasn't had a whole lot of changes lately.  I am still spending 40+ hours a week at Chestnut.  My very own insurance was activated at the beginning of the month...I guess that's a pretty grown up thing.  Besides work, there has been some fun things happening, though.


2 weeks ago I went to Texas to see Airman First Class Donovan graduate from Basic Military Training.  I am so lucky that I was able to experience this with him and our family.  Words can't describe how wonderful it was to see my baby brother after almost 3 months.  We got our first glimpse on Thursday morning during what's call the "Airmans' Run."  All the Airmen graduating that week ran by with their flight groups in formation.  It was so cool and touching to see.  Then we waited 3 hours for the Coin Ceremony, where Josh and the others officially became Airmen and were given their Airman Coin.  It was also awesome.  After the Coin Ceremony, we were able to go "tap them out," meaning, they stood in formation until we went and touched him.  Aidan and I stood in front of him, so he grabbed Aidan pretty quickly.  It was cute!  We got to spend the rest of the day with him on base, and he told us some incredibly funny BMT stories.  The kid is hilarious.  Friday morning was his graduation parade and ceremony, and then we hung out with him again.  We also got to see him Saturday and Sunday.  It was so hard to say goodbye again on Sunday, but it has been a lot better now that he has his phone back.  For the past 2 weeks, he has still been in Texas doing INDOC for tacp school.  He passed all of the physical tests/requirements and is flying to Florida this evening to start tacp school.  I am incredibly proud of him.  Who knew a little brother could be such an inspiration?!  But he is, and I am so grateful he is a part of my life!


Last weekend I went home to blono to celebrate my dad's 50th birthday.  Even though we had just been together in Texas, it was great to see him and the rest of my family again (we really missed Josh, obviously!)  While I was home, I was also able to see a lot of great friends.  Home always reminds me of how lucky I am. There is nothing like knowing you have the best friends in the world.  I am truly blessed.


Over the next 2 months, I will be home quite a bit.  My cousin is getting married in a few weeks, my aunt and uncle are coming to visit from Ohio, and one of my wonderful friends is tying the note in October.  I am so excited to see so many people that I love, and it's always great to have excuses to go back to Normal :)


As for work, I have my own "primary" client now, so that is pretty cool.  I get to meet with him every week and basically do counseling that we did a crash course of training in.  It's a great learning experience.  Also, my work schedule is going to be changing!  Starting in September, I will have Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays off.  (Currently I do not work Sun-Tues).  I am pretty excited...and it's great timing for the weddings I get to go to!


I'll end with some funny Aidan comments from Texas - 


 - (side note - this was the first time Aidan flew.  She was incredibly excited, but she passed out as soon as the plane was up in the air.)  When we landed in Texas, she looked out the window (which looked just like the STL airport) and goes "ugh.  I thought we were going to Texas!"  She was legitimately disappointed.  It was hilarious.


 - Aidan gave Josh a congratulations card that she had written random letters in.  Josh asked her what it said, and she replied (very sincerely), "I don't know.  I can't read!"  We all laughed uncontrollably for about 5 minutes.


 - At one point we jokingly asked Aid to bring the car closer, and she had a whole bunch of responses to avoid that, including, "but I can't reach the pedals!"  & "But I don't have my driver's license!"


 - On the way back to the airport to fly home, she was looking out the window of the shuttle and exclaims "ugh...I can't find it."  My dad asked what she was looking for.  "um. the Statue of Liberty!"  haha...wrong city, darling!


 - On the plane ride home, Aidan unfortunately did not get a window seat.  She was straining her head to look over the aisle and out the window on the other side of the plane.  The man sitting in that seat closed the blind, so Aidan looked at my dad and said, "but grandpa, I was looking out of that window!"


She is probably the funniest 4 year old in the world, and yes, I am willing to argue that fact!   I love that girl.

grown up life = boring.

I officially have a full-time job at Chestnut.  I have been full-time for about a month, and it's...going...  Don't get me wrong, I usually like it, but it can be extremely stressful.  These boys can make me laugh, but they also make me want to scream (which I cannot do).  They can be over dramatic, take everything way too personally, and just rude.  Unfortunately, when there is one doing that, it makes the whole day much longer.  I hope this is what I am really supposed to be doing.  There are a few that make it worth it, so I really hope that I am helping someone with my time there.


I think the stress of work is combined with life stress in general.  For the past few months I have had to reevaluate where I am and what I am doing.  For the past four years (at least) I assumed that I would be starting grad school right around this time, but instead I am working a (basically) dead-end job with very little pay.  It is also difficult because everyone else has graduated and left St. Louis.  I love living with Dan, but I wish I could live with Dan in Normal.  I want to be home, so I think I am stopping myself from really loving my job / life because of that.  I would just really like to be home with my friends and family.  I'm lonely in St. Louis.


Tomorrow I start my 6 days in a row of work (10 hr shifts + 4 extra hrs of training on Friday).  Yuck.  BUT! Hopefully it won't suck because I will be there knowing I am leaving in a week for Texas.  I haven't seen Joshy since May 29th, so I cannot wait to get to Texas and see him graduate as an Airman in the US Air Force.  It is going to be so amazing!  Hopefully I'll survive these next 6 days of stress and frustration so that I can truly enjoy my break.


In other news.  Miss Riley Roo is amazing.  She is over 25 lbs, and is so cuddly and lovey.  I just can't get enough of her.  She follows me around, lays at my feet, and enjoys cuddling on the couch with her momma.  She is very awesome, and I am so glad she is part of the family!  However, my kitties are still not fans.  Payton puts up with her, but Pika does not like being anywhere near here, so Pika will only cuddle with me at night while Roo is in her cage.  Poor kitty!  I really hope that with time, they will find peace!

funny Aidan comments

I am home for the 4th and miss Aidan has been cracking me up.

She was playing basketball and made a basket. She said "woo one in a row!"

A few minutes later she asked grandpa if she could sit on his motorcycle and said "dont worry. I won't drive it anywhere!"

Earlier she said she wanted to play barbies and said "i can't play with three alone, I don't have 3 hands"

She was trying to jump rope and couldn't do it the first few times and said "its because I need to be on the trampoline, I think"

Hilarious child.

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