It is official. I will not be attending graduate school next year. Indiana Sate (the only school I was even wait-listed at) sent me and email that all of their open positions have been filled.
Over the past few weeks, I have really gotten my hopes up. Since I was in high school, I knew I wanted to be a Psychologist. To me, it doesn't make sense that it is so hard for me to get there. It's frustrating because I see my friends finding jobs already, and it makes me jealous. I worked extremely hard all through college for this. My sophomore year I took 18 credit hours each semester, worked 15 hours a week, and managed to get a 4.0 gpa. Starting my junior year, you can add doing research to that list. I barely had time to enjoy my college experience because I did everything that I could to build up my resume for graduate school. It's a huge slap in the face that none of the schools I applied to recognized that hard work, and I don't feel like anyone really understands how I feel. I can't just "find a job" because I have no desire to do anything I qualify for. I don't want to use my degree to basically be a social worker driving around STL to deal with dysfunctional families. I want to be able to do psychological assessments and psychotherapy. How does a girl that graduated with a 3.93 gpa not qualify for a higher degree so I can reach that goal?
Friday, April 15, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
reflecting...
I sold my Saturn this morning. It's an incredibly bitter-sweet feeling, which I am starting to think life is just going to continue to be full of as I get older.
On my 16th birthday, I was in my mom's car with her and my dad, and my dad told me he needed to stop by someone's house from work to drop something off. I remember being kind of irritated. It was "my day," and we had to go out of "my" way to do something, but I got over it. When we got to the house, my dad walked up and knocked, but while he was out of the car, my mom handed me my birthday card. I told her I would wait until dad got back to open it, but she told me to go ahead. When I opened the card, there was a picture of a car in it - the car we were parked right next to. It took me a second to figure it out, but when I did, I was the HAPPIEST 16 year old in the world.
I had NO idea I would be getting a car, and I know how lucky I was that they did everything they could to get it for me.
Of course, I have complained about the car over the past 6.5 years, and at one point I even "totaled" it, but it has been the most reliable little car. Plus, I have some pretty great memories in that car. Like my first kiss with Dan. Or getting stuck in Dan's drive way in the snow. Or getting stuck driving to school in the snow! Trying to make my flags fit for guard. Packing it full of friends to drive to school each morning, and packing it full of stuff to come off to college with.
That's why it's so hard to let go. To me, this seems so symbolic of growing up and moving on with life. I am learning to love my new(for me) jeep, but I'm not as comfortable with it, yet. Which is life. Changes have to happen, and we have to get use to them to prepare for more changes.
Who knew this would be so emotional for me?!
On my 16th birthday, I was in my mom's car with her and my dad, and my dad told me he needed to stop by someone's house from work to drop something off. I remember being kind of irritated. It was "my day," and we had to go out of "my" way to do something, but I got over it. When we got to the house, my dad walked up and knocked, but while he was out of the car, my mom handed me my birthday card. I told her I would wait until dad got back to open it, but she told me to go ahead. When I opened the card, there was a picture of a car in it - the car we were parked right next to. It took me a second to figure it out, but when I did, I was the HAPPIEST 16 year old in the world.
I had NO idea I would be getting a car, and I know how lucky I was that they did everything they could to get it for me.
Of course, I have complained about the car over the past 6.5 years, and at one point I even "totaled" it, but it has been the most reliable little car. Plus, I have some pretty great memories in that car. Like my first kiss with Dan. Or getting stuck in Dan's drive way in the snow. Or getting stuck driving to school in the snow! Trying to make my flags fit for guard. Packing it full of friends to drive to school each morning, and packing it full of stuff to come off to college with.
That's why it's so hard to let go. To me, this seems so symbolic of growing up and moving on with life. I am learning to love my new(for me) jeep, but I'm not as comfortable with it, yet. Which is life. Changes have to happen, and we have to get use to them to prepare for more changes.
Who knew this would be so emotional for me?!
Friday, March 4, 2011
growing up faster than I wanted to?
Alrighty. I interviewed at Indiana State last Friday, and unfortunately, while I was there, I loved it. I saw unfortunately because I had kind of decided after my rejection from UMSL that maybe this isn't the year for me. Dan just bought his house, and I have a job at Chestnut that I love. Maybe I am supposed to hang out in STL and play house? But when I got there, I thought it was a great program, and it re-ignited my desire to go to graduate school and follow my dreams.
Today I heard back. I am an alternate. Basically they had about 30 people go and interview, offered the spots to 8 students, and told 20 of us that we are alternates. They don't say if you're the top of the alternate list or #20, but the people that were offered spots have until April 15th to accept or decline the spots. Some may do it sooner, but there's a chance I won't know whether I even have the option of going until April 15th. The stubborn girl in me wants to say "if I'm not a first choice, it's your loss," but I am torn. Again, I may not have to make a decision, but if I do have to decide, I don't know what I'll do.
The rejection involved in this has been extremely difficult for me. I know I am not supposed to take it personally, but having a 3.9GPA and having always done well at everything I put my mind to, I can't help but take it personally. It has been very difficult.
Today I heard back. I am an alternate. Basically they had about 30 people go and interview, offered the spots to 8 students, and told 20 of us that we are alternates. They don't say if you're the top of the alternate list or #20, but the people that were offered spots have until April 15th to accept or decline the spots. Some may do it sooner, but there's a chance I won't know whether I even have the option of going until April 15th. The stubborn girl in me wants to say "if I'm not a first choice, it's your loss," but I am torn. Again, I may not have to make a decision, but if I do have to decide, I don't know what I'll do.
The rejection involved in this has been extremely difficult for me. I know I am not supposed to take it personally, but having a 3.9GPA and having always done well at everything I put my mind to, I can't help but take it personally. It has been very difficult.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
One of those I've loved along the way...
This past week has been a tough week for me. I got a call last Monday (Valentine's Day) from my dad telling me that my grandmother had passed away. She had been sick for over a year with COPD, and I know she was in pain. We tried to prepare for when she would leave us, but it's impossible to really be ready for that. We went to Ohio to be with family and for the funeral. Even with all the pain, the visit was a good one. I love my family, so it was great to see them all. We were able to create happy memories even out of the pain. My grandma was the most amazing woman (and I know everyone says that, but she really was). She was incredibly giving and compassionate, and she wanted the best for everyone she loved and for strangers. I hope that one day I can be half the woman that she was. I am so glad to have known her and to have her influence in my life. Her death is a great loss, but I know she's happy to be reunited with her son, and they are both watching over us all.
I have also had a hard week of rejections from schools. It's getting easier with each one. I have 1 interview on Friday for a PsyD program at Indiana State, but I have been rejected from 8 schools now, I believe. One of those being UMSL (my only option of staying in St. Louis AND go to grad school). So now, I am naturally re-evaluating whether I want to go to grad school. It used to make perfect sense to leave STL to go wherever I get in, and it's probably all the rejections that I've gotten, but suddenly I am questioning whether I want to leave, even if I get into school. I like STL. I like being close to my family. I enjoy being here with Dan, and I want to move into his new house with him. I thought I wanted to get my degree right away, but now I am enjoying not being in school.
It will be a tough choice, but maybe I won't have to make the choice. It's possible (very possible) that I will not get into any graduate schools, so then the decision will be made. If I do have to decide, I have no idea what I'll do. Guess I'll cross that bridge when I get there.
I have also had a hard week of rejections from schools. It's getting easier with each one. I have 1 interview on Friday for a PsyD program at Indiana State, but I have been rejected from 8 schools now, I believe. One of those being UMSL (my only option of staying in St. Louis AND go to grad school). So now, I am naturally re-evaluating whether I want to go to grad school. It used to make perfect sense to leave STL to go wherever I get in, and it's probably all the rejections that I've gotten, but suddenly I am questioning whether I want to leave, even if I get into school. I like STL. I like being close to my family. I enjoy being here with Dan, and I want to move into his new house with him. I thought I wanted to get my degree right away, but now I am enjoying not being in school.
It will be a tough choice, but maybe I won't have to make the choice. It's possible (very possible) that I will not get into any graduate schools, so then the decision will be made. If I do have to decide, I have no idea what I'll do. Guess I'll cross that bridge when I get there.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
I feel like giving up...
so the count is now 4 rejections, still just the 1 interview, and waiting to hear from 10 schools.
I need to stop asking people about their interviews, etc because it's making me feel like absolute crap.
I just don't have any confidence right now in my ability to get into grad school. I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life. Not knowing really sucks.
I need to stop asking people about their interviews, etc because it's making me feel like absolute crap.
I just don't have any confidence right now in my ability to get into grad school. I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life. Not knowing really sucks.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
I haven't left my apartment in 3 days. Winter is not my most favorite time of the year. The weather people were telling us we were going to get an inch of ice and 10-20 in of snow. Turns out we only got .5in of ice and maybe 4 in of snow. I'm really glad I'm not at home right now - pictures inform me that the blizzard wasn't nice enough to skip them over, too. Still, the ice and snow here is enough to make me not want to go anywhere. Not that I have anywhere to go...
The VA told me not to come in yesterday to volunteer because my supervisors were staying home. Also, I was supposed to start volunteering at the Juvenile Detention Center last night, but they canceled that, as well. I'm excited to start there next week. Every Tuesday I will be playing games, etc with the boys at St. Louis City JDC. I'm sure it will be a new challenge, but since that's the population I want to work with for the rest of my life, it's good to get the experience now to be sure that it is what I want to do.
But other than those two things, nothing else is finalized in my life. I got a background check so that I could go back to work at the PSC 2 weeks ago. It was supposed to take a week, yet I have still heard nothing. It's starting to get frustrating that I have to go through all of these hoops for a job that was already mine while losing a lot of money in the process. Money I need.
I also sent my application that Chestnut needed back to them a week ago. He needed a new application (because HR misplaced mine) before he could officially offer me a job. I feel like it should definitely be there by now. I know I'm not being very patient, but I am so broke and so excited to start there. I hope I hear something soon.
Grad school update - I have officially gotten 2 rejection emails (yep, emails...). I did, however, get a call last Friday inviting me to come to Indiana State to interview, so that's some good news that I am trying to hold onto. I hope I hear more good news soon!
The VA told me not to come in yesterday to volunteer because my supervisors were staying home. Also, I was supposed to start volunteering at the Juvenile Detention Center last night, but they canceled that, as well. I'm excited to start there next week. Every Tuesday I will be playing games, etc with the boys at St. Louis City JDC. I'm sure it will be a new challenge, but since that's the population I want to work with for the rest of my life, it's good to get the experience now to be sure that it is what I want to do.
But other than those two things, nothing else is finalized in my life. I got a background check so that I could go back to work at the PSC 2 weeks ago. It was supposed to take a week, yet I have still heard nothing. It's starting to get frustrating that I have to go through all of these hoops for a job that was already mine while losing a lot of money in the process. Money I need.
I also sent my application that Chestnut needed back to them a week ago. He needed a new application (because HR misplaced mine) before he could officially offer me a job. I feel like it should definitely be there by now. I know I'm not being very patient, but I am so broke and so excited to start there. I hope I hear something soon.
Grad school update - I have officially gotten 2 rejection emails (yep, emails...). I did, however, get a call last Friday inviting me to come to Indiana State to interview, so that's some good news that I am trying to hold onto. I hope I hear more good news soon!
Friday, January 21, 2011
The anxiety is here....
I have been out of school for over a month now. A few of those weeks were spent at home totally loving it, but now that I'm back in St Louis, it has actually been kind of hard. It's not that I want to go back to school, but I can only do so many dishes before I want to be back at work! I have had some good news on that front. My background check for SLU is currently being processed so that I can get my job back at the Psych Services Center, and I just heard yesterday that I got a part-time job at Chestnut Health Systems. I am so excited about this! I will be there every Sat and Sun from 7:30am-3:30pm, and it's about a 40 min drive, so there will be some early mornings, but I'll be at a residential treatment facility for teenage boys with chemical dependencies. It will be a really good experience that will help me to verify that I do want to research addiction treatments while in grad school.
That is...if I get into grad school. I'm trying to keep my spirits up, but my friend had his first interview the other day at a school that I also applied to. I have yet to get my rejection letter from said school, so it just makes me uneasy to think how many other schools are doing their interviews without even bothering to let me know they aren't interested in me. I knew that during this process I would get rejected, but it's just hard that my future is in so many other people's hands, and at this point, I really have no control over it. It's a really scary feeling having no idea where I will be in 8 months. I don't like it.
I hope I start hearing soon. It's causing a lot of anxiety.
That is...if I get into grad school. I'm trying to keep my spirits up, but my friend had his first interview the other day at a school that I also applied to. I have yet to get my rejection letter from said school, so it just makes me uneasy to think how many other schools are doing their interviews without even bothering to let me know they aren't interested in me. I knew that during this process I would get rejected, but it's just hard that my future is in so many other people's hands, and at this point, I really have no control over it. It's a really scary feeling having no idea where I will be in 8 months. I don't like it.
I hope I start hearing soon. It's causing a lot of anxiety.
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