growing up faster than I wanted to?

Alrighty.  I interviewed at Indiana State last Friday, and unfortunately, while I was there, I loved it.  I saw unfortunately because I had kind of decided after my rejection from UMSL that maybe this isn't the year for me. Dan just bought his house, and I have a job at Chestnut that I love.  Maybe I am supposed to hang out in STL and play house?  But when I got there, I thought it was a great program, and it re-ignited my desire to go to graduate school and follow my dreams.

Today I heard back.  I am an alternate.  Basically they had about 30 people go and interview, offered the spots to 8 students, and told 20 of us that we are alternates.  They don't say if you're the top of the alternate list or #20, but the people that were offered spots have until April 15th to accept or decline the spots.  Some may do it sooner, but there's a chance I won't know whether I even have the option of going until April 15th.  The stubborn girl in me wants to say "if I'm not a first choice, it's your loss," but I am torn.  Again, I may not have to make a decision, but if I do have to decide, I don't know what I'll do.

The rejection involved in this has been extremely difficult for me.  I know I am not supposed to take it personally, but having a 3.9GPA and having always done well at everything I put my mind to, I can't help but take it personally.  It has been very difficult.

One of those I've loved along the way...

This past week has been a tough week for me.  I got a call last Monday (Valentine's Day) from my dad telling me that my grandmother had passed away.  She had been sick for over a year with COPD, and I know she was in pain.  We tried to prepare for when she would leave us, but it's impossible to really be ready for that.  We went to Ohio to be with family and for the funeral.  Even with all the pain, the visit was a good one.  I love my family, so it was great to see them all.  We were able to create happy memories even out of the pain.  My grandma was the most amazing woman (and I know everyone says that, but she really was).  She was incredibly giving and compassionate, and she wanted the best for everyone she loved and for strangers.  I hope that one day I can be half the woman that she was.  I am so glad to have known her and to have her influence in my life.  Her death is a great loss, but I know she's happy to be reunited with her son, and they are both watching over us all.


I have also had a hard week of rejections from schools.  It's getting easier with each one.  I have 1 interview on Friday for a PsyD program at Indiana State, but I have been rejected from 8 schools now, I believe.  One of those being UMSL (my only option of staying in St. Louis AND go to grad school).  So now, I am naturally re-evaluating whether I want to go to grad school.  It used to make perfect sense to leave STL to go wherever I get in, and it's probably all the rejections that I've gotten, but suddenly I am questioning whether I want to leave, even if I get into school.  I like STL.  I like being close to my family.  I enjoy being here with Dan, and I want to move into his new house with him.  I thought I wanted to get my degree right away, but now I am enjoying not being in school.


It will be a tough choice, but maybe I won't have to make the choice.  It's possible (very possible) that I will not get into any graduate schools, so then the decision will be made.  If I do have to decide, I have no idea what I'll do.  Guess I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

I feel like giving up...

so the count is now 4 rejections, still just the 1 interview, and waiting to hear from 10 schools.

I need to stop asking people about their interviews, etc because it's making me feel like absolute crap.

I just don't have any confidence right now in my ability to get into grad school.  I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life.  Not knowing really sucks.

I haven't left my apartment in 3 days.  Winter is not my most favorite time of the year.  The weather people were telling us we were going to get an inch of ice and 10-20 in of snow.  Turns out we only got .5in of ice and maybe 4 in of snow.  I'm really glad I'm not at home right now - pictures inform me that the blizzard wasn't nice enough to skip them over, too.  Still, the ice and snow here is enough to make me not want to go anywhere.  Not that I have anywhere to go...

The VA told me not to come in yesterday to volunteer because my supervisors were staying home.  Also, I was supposed to start volunteering at the Juvenile Detention Center last night, but they canceled that, as well.  I'm excited to start there next week.  Every Tuesday I will be playing games, etc with the boys at St. Louis City JDC.  I'm sure it will be a new challenge, but since that's the population I want to work with for the rest of my life, it's good to get the experience now to be sure that it is what I want to do.

But other than those two things, nothing else is finalized in my life.  I got a background check so that I could go back to work at the PSC 2 weeks ago.  It was supposed to take a week, yet I have still heard nothing.  It's starting to get frustrating that I have to go through all of these hoops for a job that was already mine while losing a lot of money in the process.  Money I need.

I also sent my application that Chestnut needed back to them a week ago.  He needed a new application (because HR misplaced mine) before he could officially offer me a job.  I feel like it should definitely be there by now.  I know I'm not being very patient, but I am so broke and so excited to start there.  I hope I hear something soon.

Grad school update - I have officially gotten 2 rejection emails (yep, emails...).  I did, however, get a call last Friday inviting me to come to Indiana State to interview, so that's some good news that I am trying to hold onto.  I hope I hear more good news soon!

The anxiety is here....

I have been out of school for over a month now.  A few of those weeks were spent at home totally loving it, but now that I'm back in St Louis, it has actually been kind of hard.  It's not that I want to go back to school, but I can only do so many dishes before I want to be back at work!  I have had some good news on that front.  My background check for SLU is currently being processed so that I can get my job back at the Psych Services Center, and I just heard yesterday that I got a part-time job at Chestnut Health Systems.  I am so excited about this!  I will be there every Sat and Sun from 7:30am-3:30pm, and it's about a 40 min drive, so there will be some early mornings, but I'll be at a residential treatment facility for teenage boys with chemical dependencies.  It will be a really good experience that will help me to verify that I do want to research addiction treatments while in grad school.

That is...if I get into grad school.  I'm trying to keep my spirits up, but my friend had his first interview the other day at a school that I also applied to.  I have yet to get my rejection letter from said school, so it just makes me uneasy to think how many other schools are doing their interviews without even bothering to let me know they aren't interested in me.  I knew that during this process I would get rejected, but it's just hard that my future is in so many other people's hands, and at this point, I really have no control over it.  It's a really scary feeling having no idea where I will be in 8 months.  I don't like it.

I hope I start hearing soon.  It's causing a lot of anxiety.

Is this real life?

So I have officially graduated college.  How weird is that?  I have my B.A. in Psychology, with 2 minors in Criminal Justice and Spanish from Saint Louis University.  I still don't think it has really sunk in, but I didn't dream it because there are pictures to prove that it happened!  It was wonderful having my family come down, and they all loved the food I made, which made it even better.  Plus, a lot of my close friends came to watch me graduate and even waited for me after the ceremony for hugs and pictures.  I am so spoiled by all the people in my life, it's not even funny.  I don't know how I got to be so blessed, but I am so very grateful.

I graduated on a Friday, and the next week I still had some finals, work, and volunteering to do, but I came home last Friday.  I will be in BloNo for 2 whole weeks, and I really don't have much planned.  It's AMAZING.  Dan's mom moved this past weekend, so I helped with that, and we still have a lot of cleaning/unpacking to do, so I am keeping myself busy, but I am also sleeping in and watching TV and since graduating, I have reread the first 2 Harry Potters and started number 3.  It's so relaxing to not worry about anything and just enjoy doing whatever comes up.

Even though I can enjoy these 2 weeks with family, Christmas, and my most favorite niece's 4th birthday, the worry about what to do after this mini vacation is still there.  My job that I had throughout school at the Psychological Services Center was a work study job, so since I am no longer a student, that job is not really available; however, my boss is looking at the budget to "see what she can do."  My fingers are crossed because if I could stay there, life would be so much less stressful.  However, if that doesn't work out, I am sure after the holidays I can apply to retail stores, etc, around STL and find something to fill my time with and make some money.  It will all work out somehow.

All I know is that I plan to spend time with a lot of my favorite people while I am in town, while celebrating the holidays.  It truly is a wonderful time of year!

Why now?

Heading to my last day of classes at SLU today, I heard Lady A's song, "I Was Here," and that is my inspiration for today

I wanna do something that matters
Say something different
Something that sets the whole world on its ear
I wanna do something better
With the time I've been given
And I wanna try
To touch a few hearts in this life
Leave nothing less
Than something that says "I was here"

I will prove you wrong
If you think I'm all talk, you're in for a shock
Cause this dream's too strong

Today I also re-realized that I am graduating from SLU on Friday.  Yes, this is extremely exciting, but it's terrifying as well.  I have told a few people it's bitter-sweet, and that's the only way I can really describe it.  I want to be done with college, and I am proud of myself for finishing in 3.5 years, but SLU has become my safety net with people I don't want to live without, so leaving is going to be a huge challenge.  It's funny how much has changed since I graduated high school and started SLU.  I hated it here.  I wanted to be home with my friends and family, but I stuck it out anyway.  Giving up and leaving was never really an option.  Because I did that, I received an education that truly challenged me, and I met people that helped me become who I am today.  I am eternally grateful for my time at SLU.

This transition is made harder by not knowing where I will be in 9 months.  I have applied to Clinical PhD programs, mostly in the Midwest, but there are a few outliers.  I won't even hear back about interviews until the end of January or early February, and then I will have to wait until the end of March or April to know IF I get in anywhere.  Talk about stressful.  I am a planner, and I cannot plan this.  I could be living in one of 7 states starting in August.  Pretty unbelievable, right?  I am so far out of my comfort zone, it isn't even funny.  My dreams are worth that, though.  I know that I will be a good psychologist, so it is worth the headache and uncertainty to apply.  I just hope the schools I applied to agree with me.

To answer the "why now?" question - I think I want to start blogging now because I am getting ready to experience some major changes.  Feel free to read along as I go through it all!